The longer I am here, the smaller I feel, the smaller the Kingdom seems, but it is not me or the Kingdom that is small. It is my vision.
Leaving China felt like entering a dark abyss, an unknowing. Fear did not grip me, I definitely felt surrounded by love, but my mind filled with wonder. I wondered if the service I’d given made a difference and if the rest of forever would be any different.
I began praying an age old message that is scattered throughout the Bible as if its a faint whisper left over from saints of old. ‘Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear.’ That seemed important at the time. My prayer seemed to join with theirs. I hoped it would help.
The Point of No Return
As I look over the span of my life it seemed like I could hold the sum total of what I’d achieved within my hands when in my 20s and 30s they felt like mighty feats for the Lord. Why did it now seem so small in retrospect? I began asking: ‘What had I really done? What have I been doing with my life?’ I had built up a dream in my mind imagining it to be some grand gesture to God earning me heavenly brownie points, when in actuality I was holding specs of sand caught between the cracks of my palm.
For many, this is the point of no return–defeat, the time to walk away. We often feel that if we can’t do something grand in the world like save souls, bring justice, change policies, make a name for ourselves, be known for sacrifice, start up a church or ministry, or simply endure the hardships that come with bearing the Cross than what’s the point of it all? We call it a day and chalk it up to not being good enough.
But for others, your story is more like mine. We plunge forward into darkness because the Love burning within compels us in spite of our limitations (2 Corinthians 14). Something within just says we can’t give up. We know somewhere deep within there is more than the external results and societal expectations of hard work and sacrifice equaling success. We know we live in an inside out world, turned upside down by grace so we walk forward into the unknown with only the hope we aren’t mistaken, we have a strong hunch are aren’t.
Sometimes We’re Just Blocking the View
Plunging into darkness lands us at the precipice of discernment; where humility faces off with the pride over our souls. The moment we become aware that our greatest glory is only manifested in our humility is the very moment we begin to see the way ahead and ourselves rightly. Madeleine L’Engle brilliantly describes ‘humility as throwing oneself away in complete concentration to something or someone else.’ When we get out of the way and focus on the ‘someone’ who is our glory, we begin to have eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart to understand (Isaiah 6: 10b). The fullness of Christ’s humility floods our skewed view and awakens real spiritual awareness. We enter the way of “humility [which] makes room for the Spirit of God to live in you, ” says Andrew Murray in his book Humility.
Maybe that’s exactly what I wasn’t doing, making room. I filled up too much space with my expectations and goals thus clouding the vision God desired me to have. All along I thought I was doing something for Christ, when really I was concentrating on myself–I was blocking the view. For me to emerge from darkness and see my granular achievements as redeemed towards a greater purpose I needed to step down from the throne of Elizabeth and get out of the line of sight.
This is where the beauty of grace comes in. God never asked me to present a spreadsheet of works to be a legitimate part of the Kingdom, he simply invites me to ‘come and follow‘. His grace is in the invitation for me to say ‘yes’ to him along the way. In following him, I’m not in the way because he’s my way. A simple and humble ‘yes’ to grace cannot be underestimated in the Kingdom. It lights a spark that sets a blaze in our hearts and consumes our minds until all we desire is to continue saying ‘yes’ to this irrational favor we’ve been given.
Surrender, Here We Come
Humble hearts set to flame by grace naturally lead us toward surrender; less of us, more of God (John 3:30). David Benner expresses in his books that we don’t surrender to an unknown entity, we surrender to Perfect Love. God the Father can not be separate from his nature, which is Love, and this Love is someone who has proven gracious, trustworthy, safe, forgiving, compassionate, and patient. Perfect Love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) and when we aren’t afraid, we willingly surrender to Perfect Love because we see the significance of the treasure; it far outweighs anything we’ve experienced or known. Love compelled me to move forward after leaving China. I didn’t comprehend the Love fully and nor do I now, but because of my experience of a God who in the past cared for me, walked through challenges with me, knows me and accepts me, and shows me his nature in the person of Jesus found in scripture I realized there was no reasonable answer for saying no to Him. It is a grace to trust Perfect Love in this way, a grace to choose, but when we do let go in surrender our place and influence in the world begins to be seen differently.
Out of surrender, Love grows in us. Transforms us. Informs us. Sends us.
Jesus didn’t do great works out of his will, he didn’t bear the cross because he knew his story would be told throughout the ages, he didn’t gather people to himself to feel liked or loved, he didn’t go off to quiet places for ‘me time.’ In fact, here are his own words: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” A fully surrendered and unified life with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit takes ‘me’ out of the equation; out of the line of sight so we can see the point.
The great work that Christ accomplished on the Cross was solely the vision God gave him and he accomplished it by the way of humility and in total surrender of self to Divine Love. There is a treasure to be mined in the type of relationship the Son had with the Father, one so rich that it is what Jesus desperately prayed for us to enjoy , one that he died for us to know.
“ I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.“
John 17: 20-23
The power of a unified life with the Triune God opens the way for us to Be ‘with‘ God, and for God to be ‘in‘ us. This reaches beyond my comprehension, I have to sit with this to even absorb the power of a relationship like this. But it is by way of this abiding relationship that we believers are also united as one. My tiny grains of sands, joined with your grains of sand suddenly gush through my fingers and can no longer be contained by anyone’s grasp, nor should they. Love makes this possible.
“I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you…If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
John 15:15
God opens my vision to see what he accomplishes is truly greater than I can imagine and beyond my abilities to measure and unattainable apart from Him.
Though I was looking at it all wrong. it doesn’t mean my life’s work, before my still limited realization, amounted to insignificant change. Grace assures that even in our ignorant or feeble ‘yeses’ that God can still establish his Kingdom. A devoted heart answering ‘yes’ in little ways along the way is all he needs to build the Kingdom, our ‘yeses’ are his building blocks and they are building something colossal.
I leave you with a prayer Paul prayed over the Ephesians. One that’s been washing over my soul for months now because it is a deep mystery that I long to live with you, my family.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3: 16-21)
Closing Thoughts
We, the Church unified, are empowered to do more than we could ever ask or imagine. I don’t need to qualify the work I do, the sacrifices made, or the ministry opportunities that present themselves to me. The Kingdom is bigger than myself and growing in a ways that surpass my understanding. My efforts may feel small, but the Kingdom is not about our efforts, its about who we love and trust. God’s commission to us only comes to pass in our surrender and unification with Him and the wider body of believers throughout the past and present. What an awe-sinspiring vision that spans space and time. So let’s keep joining together with all the saints in praying, “Lord give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts to understand. Lord, your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” And let’s continue saying ‘yes’ to his graces along the way. Though the work is not yet complete, and I may get discouraged, God will accomplish his Good Work.
Optional Reflective Exercise
You may choose one or all.
- Do you ever feel as if you don’t do enough for the Kingdom of God or that what you have done doesn’t seem like much? Do you believe that to serve God it has to look like a big world-changing event, or huge gesture of sacrifice or suffering out of your own power? Where has this view come from? Do those ideals need to die? Rather than feeling defeated, take some time today to see where God is present in your life now and how you might join him.
- Considering humility, can you honestly say you’ve made space for God in your heart? Are their dreams or expectations that you cling to that perhaps don’t align with God’s heart or vision for your life? Share those with God in prayer.
- Read John 14-15 and notice how he defines relationship with him. Does your relationship with the Father look like this, how would you like to have a deeper friendship with God? What might abiding look like for you?
- Surrender isn’t easy if we don’t believe and trust that God is Perfect Love. Perhaps we don’t feel safe with God, or that he has hurt us, or feels far from us, we can even feel disappointed by God. Spend some time considering what holds you back from believing God is Perfect Love and share that with God or a close friend. Spend time reading 1 John and what God says about being Love.
- Do you struggle with understanding the purpose of Church and why God made us to function as a Body? I encourage you to read the book Compassion by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill, and Douglas Morrison. I’ve shared my story about being disillusioned by church, but God’s Kingdom doesn’t come without his Body unified in Love, so we can’t give up on his bride, our true family. It isn’t perfect, neither are we, but the church is who Jesus died for and how he will continue to spread the message of reconciliation through Love and compassion.
* References: Humility, by Andrew Murray
