SEEKING A PATH TOWARD DISCERNMENT
Abiding relinquishes our souls into the hands of another. It demands a trust fall. It’s vulnerability at its hilt. It’s a slow death; a death of lesser things in order to open space for love to flood our personhood whilst washing away that which aims to steal, kill, and destroy. Abiding means there is less room for self-focused desires because God-centered intentions begin taking up too much space.
When the moment arrives where we are willing to abide, let go of self, love takes over like a contagion moving through our soul and the Holy Spirit begins a thorough and incessant spring cleaning.
Self-knowledge is tied in with inner work, which is both demanding and painful […] We do not give up control to God easily.
Andreas Ebert and Richard Rohr
As you know, last year I tried new spiritual practices of silence, solitude, and prayer. Though disciplines are good, we cannot will them to give us discernment. I started them as a feeble attempt toward learning how to abandon my will. As I plunged into the deep end, they unraveled me like a ball of yarn at the mercy of a cat. Slowly my tightly wound heart and protectively guarded soul were laid bare.
Out of ignorance, I thought God would stick to the well-groomed areas of my life I’d felt I’d perfected, but found he wanted to clean house, to unearth places I’d given no one permission to go. When I realized this, I knew I had to make a decision. Would I allow such an invasive intrusion of my personal space? Did I trust him to be gentle rather than judgmental? Could I endure the pain I knew was secretly hidden in my heart?
The Past That Keeps Us From The Future
If you are anything like me, perhaps you can relate to learning a Christian tradition of glorified moralism that forced you to harbor hidden shames, hurts or mistakes and put forward a “false self” in order to keep the faith. Perhaps you heard messages of God being a fierce judge in whom you had to hide the painful parts of your life because it’s important to be perfect. Maybe you felt you had to earn his mercy, love, and forgiveness by being holy because you believed you just weren’t good enough. I’ve struggled with these false pretenses, and more, for years until faithful followers taught and showed me grace.
God’s love is creative and transforms his creatures[…] this creative power of God’s love is often called ‘grace.’ […] not a momentary help, but a permanent vital source of holiness. Grace is the presence of the Holy Spirit, who makes us sons and daughters. God’s transforming grace is supernatural.
The Study of Spirituality, The Theology of Christian Spirituality, Edward Yarnold
Though my mind may know this truth, my heart did not. It has taken me until now to be vulnerable enough to relinquish what I’ve stuffed, avoided, and kept to myself into God’s trusted and transformative love and grace.
At some point, if we desperately desire genuine faith in Christ and discernment of God’s will then we must abandon all of ourselves over to God’s control. If we honestly want our heart’s desire to be for God, then we must make a choice; self or surrender to the Kingdom of God. There can be no middle ground. I chose God. I’ve begun relinquishing my heart, its pride, and fear to God and together we walked into its darkened corners of shame, hurt, bottled up tears, and brokenness that had been keeping me at arm’s length from totally abiding and giving over to God’s love.
Eyes wide opened, I watched him press forward where even I avoided going. It was not like ripping off a bandaid. It was more like letting him walk a step or two and then pulling him back, cringing with each progression. Since the abandonment of self, he’s been dredging up former hurts, the voices I hear on repeat that drag me down, broken relationships, wrongs I’d committed, wrongs committed to me and all the while he says to me, “I still love you. I know it hurts. But remember this pain, remember I am taking it away. I am healing the wounds. I will fill them with love and forgiveness and give you hope again. I will show you the way out.”
For those of you who have deep pains in your past or regrets that need healing, I know this will be hard. We are pros at avoiding discomfort and shame, but I encourage you to trust that God will be gentle with you. He could look through the mask if he wanted, but he’s waiting for your invitation. His nature is that of deep, unconditional love and grace devoted completely to you. It is by his wounds that we are healed, so we know he is no stranger to the sufferings that bring healing. We have a trusted, experienced guide.
Even Though I Walk
Secrets are secret for a reason. I wasn’t comfortable facing all my hiddenness. I felt content praying for my will, and wants and doing good works in order to be a “good person,” but that’s the easy self-controlled way, and God doesn’t follow these human-conscripted rules. No, God took me for a walk straight toward my darkest fears and insecurities and told me it’s time to stop running, time to stop failing at my self-driven attempts at holiness and time to start living.
And life started with a walk in the dark.
As I’ve shared before, darkness increases our sense of hearing, attunes us to our other senses and allows us to see into aspects of our lives often neglected or hidden. Darkness brings spiritual illumination that employs God’s protection, care, and healing in a supernatural manner. It forces us to hear his voice and follow. He knows in darkness our only way out is with him.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23: 4
In my journey through the dark recesses of my heart, God showed me the pains of my past like an old home video and as I cried, grieved and breathed out a breath of relief he sat next to me through to the end and then turned on the light, that show was over. It was time for a new story.
I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.
Jeremiah 29:10-12 (The Message)
You Are With Me
Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.
John 15:2 (ESV)
Darkness did not consume me, nor did it distance me from God’s love. God led me through dark spaces I’d created to keep him out because in order for us to commune intimately they had to die. This is the commitment of a true friend. Abiding involves pruning of what is not life-producing. He doesn’t make us relive the hurt to judge or shame us, those hurts already do a good job of that, he asks us to name them, refuse them, abandon them so we can embrace his loving friendship. When we can trust our secrets with God, we grow in intimacy with him. When I finally became vulnerable with my pain, he proved his trustworthiness, and I loved him more. He proved to me that nothing I hide is too evil or too shameful, and there is nothing he won’t heal or that he won’t forgive.
I share my struggle in hopes of encouraging you. It is one thing to want to know God’s will for our lives, and another to surrender our life in totality to God’s desires for our lives. Surrender leads to a discerning heart and it involves sacrifices, suffering and total abandonment of our will. God covets your heart as a precious gift and he knows how to handle its most sensitive parts with grace, tenderness, and care when you hand it to him.
Practice: Are You Ready to Air Out Your Secrets?
Ask yourself: Are there hidden parts of your life that you’ve been avoiding, running from or keeping hidden down deep because you are ashamed, confused or hurt? Or, are there parts of your life that you love too much and don’t want to give up because you value them more than your relationship with God? Do you struggle to trust God? Or do you live a life full of false pretenses? Take some time, maybe even days or weeks to ask God to bring these areas to your mind.
Lay it all out: Once you’ve identified some of these areas consider how they keep you from abiding. Just sit with them until you are ready to ask God into a space where you can let him examine and prune them, even if it’s painful. Are you willing to surrender your heart to God for healing and transformation? Consider what you need from God to help remove the chains over your soul, for example, do you need forgiveness, love, healing, grace, understanding, help. Ask for what you need.
The first step: Like you, I am still in the process of surrendering my heart to God. I am still being pruned of areas in my life that drain me of life rather than filling me with joy. Even if all we can do is take baby steps at the rate of a snail, time is of no consequence to God, he’s right by your side cheering you on. I encourage you not to lose hope, rather, remember he’s guiding and guarding you as you both sift through the recesses of your heart. I believe this is the beginning process of abiding in Christ’s love that will start your journey toward discernment.
Note: Sometimes past pains are more than we can handle. If you feel there are areas in your past bigger than you, don’t be afraid to seek help through counseling. God has given us people to help when we need someone else to walk with us through the struggle. There is no more need for shame.
Why is surrendering our will so difficult? Would you be willing to share? Leave a comment below. If you have not yet joined the wandering way community, you can subscribe at the bottom of the website. Thank you for journeying with me as we learn more about having a discerning spirit.
