Vulnerability. The word alone makes my skin crawl.
Blogging is public. I don’t like public. My favorite types of places are secluded mountaintops where I can see the world, but no one can see me. My room in a quiet nook with a cup of coffee and a closed door. A river bank where the only noise is the water crashing against the rocks as it flows downstream. My parent’s back porch in the East Texas woods surrounded by live oak trees, cows, and fiery sunsets. Secret gardens surrounded by cobblestone walkways, exotic flowers, and small insects to observe. Any of these settings with a pen and a journal are my natural habitat. I don’t have to pretend to be one way or another. I don’t have to make small talk. I can relax and be myself, to think, meditate, pray or breathe.
Though in private spaces God meets me and asks of me. Never all at once. It comes as slight nudges over multiple years. Reluctantly I start to listen. Perhaps he’s worn me down, but I tune into his asking and begin to wrestle. I resist Him because what He asks comes with far too high a risk. All animals know the instinctual act of self-preservation. I am not different. So when God asked me to write, and I learned that in modern times it means blogging I laughed out loud cynically and thought, “You’ve got to be kidding.” How could he ask me to give over a part my private life and pour it into a public place; it’s too vulnerable.
I’ve found God often asks of us what we may be unwilling to give or are fearful to do. In my case, it’s my fear. My fear of putting something sacred to me out into the secular. To present a work born from my heart into the world for potential ridicule or judgment is perhaps the most terrifying act. We each have a fear. Perhaps the Fall made fear a residual part of our psyche to be reckoned with in the sanctification process. I’ve learned over years of observing myself, fear of rejection is at the core of who I am. This fear often dictates my life. I’ll avoid certain people, places, events, jobs and circumstances to protect myself. Yet, God calls. He refuses to let us be driven by fear. He grabs us by the hand and takes us to our darkest fear and asks us to trust him. He’s that encouraging voice in the back of our mind reminding us that we can do all things through Christ because he strengthens us. He’s whispering his truth, “perfect love drives out all fear.”
Vulnerability for most Christians is when we take what is precious and offer it out into a world that does not hold the same beliefs or sacred values. This is why we fear sharing the gospel, boldly sharing our identity as a follower of Christ, and standing up for what we believe. This is why we say we can’t do ministry when the truth is our whole lives are ministry unto the Lord whether we accept it or not. We spend too much time worrying about what people will think. This fear is crippling and stunting our spiritual growth and our spiritual influence in a needy world.
So in the vein of practicing what I preach, I’ve decided to heed God’s intentional prodding and write beyond my journal entries. Against my better judgment and instinct to protect myself, I am taking his hand into the unknown. I’m allowing him to strip away my deepest fear by doing the one thing I am reluctant to do–blogging.
God asks of us to abandon our fears so we can grow in Love and Trust. To be all that we can be in Christ Jesus. I privately wrestle against his pressures, but in the end, he wins. He wins because I love him. He is first in my life and over my fears. I trust he knows and wants the best for me. Deep down, I want to change. As much as my stomach turns upside down with butterflies with every post, I want to transform. Walking with God He’s proved himself trustworthy and He’s already redeemed so much brokenness in my life, why wouldn’t I let Him do the same in the area I fear the most?
We want to be known. To be seen. To relate. To be included, loved, accepted and part of a community. For these to be a reality in our lives, we must be vulnerable. We must put our fears out there and let God transform them by embracing the difficult tasks he’s set before us or areas he’s asking us to abandon. The first step is to be vulnerable with God; trusting in his direction. The second is trusting him to walk with you as you make yourself vulnerable with others. I’m taking these baby steps as I start this blog.
A self-preserving lifestyle breeds loneliness. Sometimes we must dive into a dark pool of water swarming with unknown creatures to learn those creatures are part of life’s richness in which we’ve been missing. I’m more terrified of blogging than I ever was leaving America to live in a foreign country. But just as God remained faithful in past terrifying situations, I trust his faithfulness won’t fail me now. So reluctantly I blog.
May it be to the glory of God and edification of his Church. To spur others toward vulnerability for richer community among the priesthood of believers.
